


Ardent

by maple_tree



Category: Dreamcatcher (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 10:20:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20562692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maple_tree/pseuds/maple_tree
Summary: And today also, she’ll have the pleasure of looking into Siyeon’s eyes, and feeling the same old burn inside her chest. Yoohyeon lies awake at night, sighs, and realizes -





	Ardent

Yoohyeon would be lying through her teeth if she said she wasn’t at all falling for Siyeon.

She denies it to herself every chance she gets but she knows - Yoohyeon knows just how deep her attraction goes for that girl. And it’s not like with other members, when she indulges their touch and pays it back in equal measures; no, Yoohyeon knows that she wants Siyeon.

It’s a feeling that never goes away, and at the worst of times she feels the words teetering on the edge of her lips. It overwhelms her at night, it pushes its way into her dreams and lodges itself in her mind, it’s something she can never seem to get around. It scares her sometimes, how close she gets to breaking. How uncontrollable she sometimes feels. 

Sometimes she catches Siyeon’s stare and her heart starts clamouring in her chest - Yoohyeon’s ears warm every time she gets close, and Siyeon always looks at her with a cheeky smile before settling next to Yoohyeon like she belongs there. There’s something wrong with how easily she does it but that, Yoohyeon ignores. 

Even when they’re filming for a Note or a Behind, Siyeon always ends up next to her (or she ends up next to Siyeon), and somehow Yoohyeon always finds her cheeks snuggled against Siyeon’s, and it feels like Yoohyeon’s mind is spinning and she can’t stop holding onto Siyeon. When Siyeon pinches the skin on her arm absentmindedly, when she leans over and her long hair falls into Yoohyeon’s vision, when her hand finds her waist so naturally - Yoohyeon falls into a whirlpool. She’s breathless, heart racing, thoughts running awry. Her senses focus in on what Siyeon is doing, what Siyeon is doing to her, and it’s disorientingly delightful.

And even though Siyeon is bright and lovely and beautiful, and she makes Yoohyeon want to do crazy, irrational things - Yoohyeon doesn’t confess. Her first concern is Dreamcatcher but her deeper fear is, of course, rejection. She’s tested the waters and gotten an addictive taste but Yoohyeon’s afraid to dive in deep. Losing Siyeon would be like losing the sun and that, was worse than the restraint.

So when Siyeon falls asleep on her shoulder, in the van after a long day of vocal training, Yoohyeon sighs, because it’s a glimpse of something that she can’t have; even though it’s always there, always pushing for her to just say it. Still - she doesn’t feel bitter about it.

Yoohyeon’s gotten over that a long time ago. Sure, it was painful at the start, figuring out that you wanted more than friendship, denying it, running away and pushing it away as if your feelings were poisonous - and then realising that you couldn’t look away from it anymore. Siyeon wasn’t a gay awakening - more of a lesbian reminder - but it was the first time Yoohyeon had felt so many things all at once. Affection. Attraction. And there was something deeper that she brushed away every single time she thought about Siyeon. Every single time she thought about how she always listened out for Siyeon’s laugh, every single time that her heart burned as Siyeon sang, she pushed the implications of that feeling away. Because to admit it would mean to do something about it, and Yoohyeon just couldn’t. 

But soon enough, she found that she had to look it in the eye. Siyeon was too beautiful to ignore and this feeling, this feeling was also beautiful. It still confused her how Siyeon’s smile feels like the sun in her eyes, how her cheerfulness is infective, how she’s so unafraid of doing whatever weird thing she wants to - stupid little things make Yoohyeon fall for her even more. Love didn’t feel like she thought it would feel - but god, Yoohyeon wouldn’t want it any other way. 

She wants to spend time with Siyeon, she wants to make her laugh and make her remember the little moments, just like how Yoohyeon remembers her little moments with her. Yoohyeon never reads the fine print and the details of anything she buys, but the details of Siyeon - the snacks she likes, her favourite song, the blouse with the red paint-drops she wears a lot, how she hugs her Captain America blanket, how her quiet breathing sounds when Yoohyeon’s half-awake in the van next to her or on the sofa, TV still on, Siyeon still cuddled against her, their feet still touching, their hands still warm, just past midnight - moments like that, Yoohyeon cherishes the most.

One time, and Yoohyeon remembers this keenly; one time, it really did feel right.

\-----

The whole group had been allowed to go on a trip to the coast. Their promotions for You and I had just finished, and everyone was still buoyed up by the exhilaration of the song’s success. June had never felt so good to Yoohyeon - the trip would only last a few days, but during the summer, the sunlight lasted forever and it really did feel like it would never end. 

The feeling really took hold once they’d boarded the plane. Taking up an entire row was probably annoying for the people in front and behind them, but Yoohyeon was glad that they could all sit together and fill up on laughter. And god, they laughed like lunatics, and the best thing of all was that they didn’t care. 

It felt like finishing her public exams again - looking forward to days where she could do whatever she wanted, to sleep in or to stay up late (voluntarily, and not because they were training); that sort of exhilaration. It left her breathless and her heart beating a hundred miles an hour. Intoxicated with the promise of summer, looking only ahead, she thought that anything she wanted could happen. A few short days was all she needed.

The seaside was refreshing, as always; their hotel was minutes away from the beach, and on the first night, Yoohyeon would hear the waves. The scent of salt hung around in the air; a perpetual invitation. It was almost heaven, but what made it paradise was the fact that Siyeon ended up rooming with her.

They played rock-paper-scissors for three rooms - Handong, Dami, and Gahyeon piled themselves into the big room, and then Jiu and Sua hauled their luggage into their room with a wave, leaving Siyeon and Yoohyeon out in the corridor, amazed at how fast everyone disappeared.

“They must be tired, right?” Siyeon said, yawning.

“Seems like someone else is too.”

Siyeon blinked at Yoohyeon. “Huh, you?”

“Yep.” Yoohyeon smiled.

“Well, me too. I’m like dead.”

“I can tell - let’s just get these inside,” Yoohyeon pointed to their bags. “And then we’ll go straight to sleep.”

They wheeled their suitcases into the room, throwing their bags all haphazard beside their bed. Wait - there was only one bed. “What the -”

Siyeon looked at it, and shrugged. “Look soft. That’s enough.”

“I mean - we’ll be sleeping in the same bed.”

“Like we haven’t done that before?” Siyeon said, and flopped onto the bed. “I won’t mind your snores, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Yoohyeon pretended that yes, that was the only thing, and gave Siyeon a smile. “Thanks.”

“And, we can cuddle!” Siyeon grinned at her and Yoohyeon had to fight her blush back.

“It’s going to be really hot then.”

“You mean like me?”

Yoohyeon did not snort out loud. “I’m sure you’ll make it so unbearably hot that we’ll have to sleep a full feet away from each other.”

Siyeon winked, making Yoohyeon’s heart flutter (like it always did), and got up. “That won’t stop me - and I’ll shower now, so I’ll be cool enough for you and your high standards.”

Yoohyeon nearly called out to her that being Siyeon was the only standard Yoohyeon had; but thank god her brain was so used to long days and late nights that it could (barely) suppress that. She couldn’t help smiling though. She flopped down on the bed and rubbed her face - tired. It wouldn’t hurt to take a nap right now, would it?

She was awakened by water dripping on her forehead. Looking up, Siyeon’s face was only inches away from her own, and Yoohyeon almost thought it was a dream, if not for the sharp cold that came along with the water from Siyeon’s wet hair.

“Wakey wakey - it’s your turn.” Siyeon stood upright and motioned to the bathroom. “Unless you’re tired?”

“No, I just fell asleep for a bit.”

Yoohyeon pulled herself up and rummaged in her suitcase for her toiletries. Behind her, she could hear Siyeon ruffling the blankets. Very briefly Yoohyeon imagined what it would feel like if life could be like this, every day, every night, with the scent of Siyeon’s shampoo swirling through the room and the comforting almost-silence of the air conditioning. Little things, like this, were enough.

When she’d gathered everything, she turned to see Siyeon in a tank top sprawled on the bed, hair still wet; she gave Yoohyeon a lazy smile, watching her walk towards the bathroom. 

“I’ll be waiting for you.” She stuck her tongue out and winked. Yoohyeon’s eyes travelled to Siyeon’s collarbones before meeting Siyeon’s gaze again, a faint blush across her cheeks.

“I look forward to it.” Yoohyeon replied, and shut the door, and nearly fainted.

When she came out of the shower, Siyeon was tapping away on her phone. The lights were off but the bedside lamps were switched on to cast a mellow glow on everything. The shadows were blurry; and the bedcovers, which had enveloped Siyeon, looked even more soft. The sea breeze filtered in from the open window - the white curtains made noises like leaves blowing in the wind as they fluttered. And Yoohyeon loved how that was the only sound.

Pulling herself into the sheets, she snuggled against Siyeon, unlocking her own phone and catching up on messages (and scrolling through social media). The silence was soft and heavy, falling over them like a quilted blanket. Minutes passed like seconds with them relaxing next to each other, and soon 12am arrived.

Siyeon plugged her phone into the charger, and then turned to Yoohyeon. 

“Did you use my shampoo?”

“You noticed?” Yoohyeon reached for her own charger.

“Of course, who wouldn’t?”

“It smelt really nice, and the hotel one was citrus - which I don’t think suits the seaside as well as yours.”

Yoohyeon could hear Siyeon’s smile. “Thanks.”

Yoohyeon hummed in response, and turned back to Siyeon. The first thing she noticed was that the smell of water jasmine was stronger. At such a close distance, Siyeon’s shampoo was overwhelming, but Yoohyeon found herself enjoying the lightheaded-ness it gave her. Woozy, she was woozy, and the space between them felt like cotton wool that she desperately wanted to push through. The seaside, and vacation, really made you feel reckless, didn’t it?

“We should get to sleep soon.” Siyeon said, her half-whisper somehow almost as quiet as the sea breeze. She switched off the lamp beside her.

“Mmh. We’re going hiking tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah, so we need to have enough energy.”

Yoohyeon stretched her arms up. “Well, we’ve performed with like three hours of sleep before, I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure we were fine those times though?”

Yoohyeon laughed. “No, you’re right.”

“And I’m also really sleepy, Yoohyeonie…” Siyeon slung an arm over Yoohyeon’s waist, pulling her hips closer. Aegyo, shot straight through Yoohyeon’s heart. “Don’t set the alarm too early, okay?”

“We’re both so bad at waking up though.” Yoohyeon rested her hands loosely behind Siyeon’s head. “We should set it earlier.”

“So we can snooze it a lot?”

“Yeah, good idea.”

Siyeon’s chuckle reverberated through Yoohyeon’s chest, and Yoohyeon smiled in response. They debated for a few more seconds - then Siyeon pouted. Again, as straight as anything to do with Yoohyeon could be - the expression hit Yoohyeon directly in the heart and she stopped speaking.

Yawning, Siyeon burrowed deeper into the blankets (and closer to Yoohyeon) and began to nod off. Yoohyeon tried to close her eyes, but somehow, it was harder than usual. She reached behind her and grabbed her phone, setting the alarm to 7am - as late as it could be. Briefly, she considered closing the window; but Siyeon had her arms around her and Yoohyeon wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardize that. So she turned her own lamp off and, with the moonlight casting dancing shadows of the curtains, with the scent of jasmine hanging around them like a mist, with Siyeon held as close as she dared, fell asleep.

\-----

“Ow, I have a mosquito bite.”

Siyeon scratched at her throat, drawing looks and “that sucks” from the rest of their members. They were at breakfast in a big hall, looking out onto the beach with overhead fans that drowned out the swishing of the waves. Two round tables managed to fit everyone comfortably; the managers sat apart from the group, leaving them to be as loud and messy as they wanted. 

Dami kept one earphone in as she ate, laughing quietly with Handong over the antics of the louder members. Gahyeon would lean on Handong’s shoulder as she dissolved into giggles. Next to her, Jiu smiled, eyes scanning the food and her members periodically; she fed Yoohyeon little bites of everything she ate. Yoohyeon also sipped Siyeon’s iced coffee - she always liked to try whatever Siyeon had. Sua, between Siyeon and Dami, still received Jiu’s gift packages, and Siyeon would pass a forkful of scrambled eggs to her, receiving a high-pitched hum of satisfaction. Looking around at everyone, Yoohyeon’s chest warmed - and it wasn’t just the toasted croissant she just ate.

She peered at the red mark above Siyeon’s collarbone. “Don’t bites get worse if you scratch them?”

“It’s too itchy.”

“I’ve got Tiger Balm?” Sua offered, rummaging in her backpack. “It stops the itch really quickly.”

“Ah, thank you!”

“That’ll do the trick, take it with you when we’re hiking!” One of the managers called.

Siyeon leaned towards Sua and pushed away her hair to expose her neck. Yoohyeon felt something begin to gnaw at her.

Looking at Sua, spreading the balm over Siyeon’s skin - it gave her a hollow feeling in her stomach. It was akin to seasickness; Jiu still fed her tidbits, which Yoohyeon turned away to eat for as long as possible, but Siyeon’s sigh of contentment and Sua’s soft “there you go” made her spine prickle - and suddenly Yoohyeon didn’t feel like eating anymore. 

The moment passed, but Yoohyeon had to shake her head to get rid of the feeling. It wasn’t right for her to be jealous - and even if she couldn’t help it - she needed to realise that Siyeon wasn’t hers. At all.

That was the hardest thing to swallow, though.

Everyone finished eating soon after, pulling out their chairs noisily and grouping together. The itinerary was explained to them and in no time they found themselves sat in a minibus, following winding, dizzying roads up a lush mountain. The view took Yoohyeon’s breath away. Next to Handong, she ooo’ed and ahh’ed at the rivers, streams, and they took selcas under that bright sunlight you only got near the sea. 

“And here we are!” Their manager gathered them in front of a sign that said _Trail Starts Here (9km)_. “Make sure you all have water, sunscreen, and fans!”

Thus began the grueling three-hour hike. Now, Yoohyeon wouldn’t call them the most unfit people - sure, Siyeon would rather eat lettuce for a week than go to the gym once, and Jiu would happily live off cake for the rest of her life, but they were performers, dancers - and they were all out of breath, sweating; dying.

“What the actual frick,” said Dami, face flushed. “Why is this worse than-”

“Anything we’ve ever done before?” Handong followed.

“I don’t even… have breath… to laugh…”

Gahyeon held onto Yoohyeon’s bag strap, with Jiu on the other side of her. “Unnie, how is your stamina so good?”

“Just because I’m old,” Jiu said, almost proudly. “Doesn’t mean I’m unfit.”

Yoohyeon let out the raspiest laugh in the world.

Bringing up the rear were Siyeon and Sua - it was a miracle that they kept the same pace despite their height difference, and Sua hung onto Siyeon’s arm as usual. Too breathless to chatter like they usually did, they still managed to make jokes that rendered them a laughing mess, and the rest would have to pause to wait for them to recover. 

It wasn’t like Yoohyeon didn’t appreciate the breaks they got; but when a labrador caught up to them, fur windswept and tail wagging, Sua squealed and ran to the very front of the line. That conveniently left Yoohyeon to coo over the dog with Siyeon.

“So cute!” Siyeon ruffled the dog’s ears.

“What’s it called?” Yoohyeon looked to the owner. 

“Chester.”

“Chester!” repeated Siyeon, eyes lighting up as the dog’s tail wagged faster.

“He can do tricks, as well. Chester, roll over!”

Obediently, Chester flopped down and rolled, earning aww’s from everyone, even from Sua who peeked from behind Dami. And Yoohyeon - she couldn’t resist taking a picture. Of the absolutely adorable dog, yes, but also of Siyeon, whose eyes turned into crescent moons as she smiled with her nose scrunched up. There was no question in Yoohyeon’s heart as to who was cuter.

That picture - she set as her home screen. Maybe Yoohyeon would have to change it once they got back, but just for these few days, she let the memory linger. 

When they finally returned to the coach, it felt like they’d just performed for hours. All of them ended up passing out on the minibus without even trying to talk - the managers smiled, and let them sleep the whole way. Sunburned, sweaty, hungry; they felt various levels of the three as they trundled into the hotel. 

“Dinner’s at eight!”

“Okay!” They all replied faintly from each of their rooms. 

Yoohyeon threw herself onto the bed and relaxed all her muscles, completely, floating on top of the mattress like she was weightless. It was the best thing she’d ever felt. “Oh my god…” she exhaled into a pillow. “I’m never getting up again.”

The bed shook as Siyeon flopped onto it as well. “I agree.”

Their faces were close to each others’, and Yoohyeon’s hair fell over her eyes, and she blew it out of the way. Siyeon returned the puff, laughing when Yoohyeon scrunched up her nose. It was in moments like these that Yoohyeon forgot about everything else and just focused, on Siyeon, on the feeling she gave Yoohyeon. 

It felt like a slight paralysis; of the few brain cells which Yoohyeon owned, and of her nerve endings, and her decision making-facilities. Like a drug, maybe - like a sedative, letting Yoohyeon smile easier, and laugh louder. But on her senses it acted more like caffeine, making her aware of every little thing Siyeon did, never tiring of her presence. When they touched it felt like electricity; and Yoohyeon’s heart sped up, anticipating something - anything.

With Siyeon next to her, Yoohyeon definitely wasn’t going to get up any time soon.

\-----

On their last night, permission granted from the managers, they sprawled out on two double beds in the big room, pizza on the way - they’d put on their pajamas and had started with playing cards. 

Then it escalated. After the pizza was demolished, Gahyeon pulled from her suitcase a pack of beer. She smiled innocently at everyone’s gasps. “I told then it was Dami’s books.”

“I can’t believe - our maknaes - all grown up?” Jiu said, frowning but smiling.

“Yeah,” Siyeon wiped a tear. “I love you guys.”

“You’re welcome.” said Dami - and then her eyes crinkled up, and then they all tried to bear hug her at the same time. It ended with them breathless (Sua found a way to turn it into a tickle fight) and Handong half-falling off the bed, with only her legs tangled in with the rest of their limbs keeping her anchored. Yoohyeon got squished into the middle. And she didn’t mind it - not at all.

Over sips of alcohol they talked; they gossiped and teased and laughed, they squealed and cried with giggles, the kind that consumed everyone like falling dominoes, leaving them all with raw throats and aching cheeks. Yoohyeon has known these people for years and slotting between them has never felt more natural than now. They were sailing on clouds, magic carpets, floating above the day-to-day worries and stresses, breathing in each others’ laughter as if it were air.

But as the night deepened, their words got quieter and heavier. The future is always an answer to a question nobody knows how to ask. But that night, they tried to answer it anyways. Maybe they all had the same question in mind. 

Jiu - she looked tired. 

She leaned her head on Yoohyeon’s shoulder and Yoohyeon put an arm around her, trying to make her feel like the maknae for once. Jiu snuggled against Yoohyeon. She sighed, slowly, and Yoohyeon was glad to be the tree that Jiu could fall asleep under. Gahyeon smiled at them, and pulled Jiu’s half-empty cup towards her. When Yoohyeon was twenty, she couldn’t handle that much alcohol. And suddenly the two-year gap between them felt like nothing at all.

Siyeon, always the one to act younger than her age, had been play-fighting with a slightly woozy Sua who actually seemed to double in strength; they pushed back and forth, giggling, but when Gahyeon began finishing up Jiu’s drink, Siyeon let go of Sua’s hand (Sua still hung onto her shoulder, biting at her ear) and drank it instead.

“Protect your health, little one,” Siyeon said, an adoring smile on her face. She stuck her tongue out in response to Gahyeon’s pout.

Yoohyeon looked past them to see Dami and Handong with their heads together; their lips were moving but Yoohyeon couldn’t hear what they were saying. Always so quiet - almost like each of them had private little worlds inside themselves. Handong’s was surrounded with cling film, see-through, impenetrable; and Dami’s, you could hear music coming from inside those stone castle walls. But their bubbles seemed to merge, and neither pulled away when they noticed her.

It was a clear night but none of them could see clear enough to even realize that the moon had rounded and that the stars were shining brighter than ever. Lights dimmed, AC off, windows open, it got warm way too quickly. Add some debris from a pillow fight and those typical thick hotel blankets, and it became unbearable. Yoohyeon had to let go of Jiu, let her lean on the bed instead. 

Everyone sat apart now, staring at each other like they could see more now than in the daylight. Alcohol clouded Yoohyeon’s mind. Her thoughts flowed like mud and her blood felt like lava - burning, steadily, consuming her limbs in a warmth that prickled at her fingertips. And as Sua drifted to Jiu’s side, and Gahyeon joined Handong and Dami - Yoohyeon found herself draped over Siyeon; relishing in how her skin burned when they touched, lingering longer than she ever dared sober. 

Heavenly. 

Night time was beautiful. Siyeon’s face, half-shrouded in shadows - beautiful. Her hair tousled, her shirt buttons undone, her shoulders bare; Yoohyeon wanted to caress her cheeks and run her hands along Siyeon’s collarbones, trail kisses down her neck.

And it felt like nothing could go wrong, nothing could extinguish this blazing, bewitching feeling. It trapped Yoohyeon; it surrounded her, it wrapped her up in a cocoon of light and something intangible that Yoohyeon couldn’t fight and didn’t even want to. Siyeon was all she could see. Burning so, so bright. And Yoohyeon was the butterfly drawn to that flame, losing herself as ashes rained down around her, refusing to see that her own wings were crumbling - because Siyeon was the sun, and Yoohyeon was just a comet orbiting her, heart speeding up as she got closer with the dust and ice evaporating in a spectacular trail.

Dangerous. This was dangerous. 

Yoohyeon’s head was resting in Siyeon’s lap and her hand was half-raised towards Siyeons lips when, thankfully, Sua interrupted whatever stupid thing Yoohyeon was going to do - by puking on Jiu.

“Jesus Christ!” yelled everyone, in tipsy unison, and it would’ve been funny if Jiu hadn’t started crying soon after.

They pushed the both of them into bathroom and crowded round, everyone trying to wash off the remnants of pizza and chicken wings - Yoohyeon’s hair got caught in it, from the smell of things. Between Sua holding a hiccoughing Jiu’s hand, and Gahyeon standing on her tiptoes yelling encouragingly from the back, the rest of them managed to scrub most of it off. 

Aside from soaking Yoohyeon, it also managed to put a damper on their evening. Everyone filed off to their respective rooms, leaving a mess that Dami didn’t seem to notice for once as she passed out on the bed of pizza boxes; Handong and Gahyeon succeeded in pushing some bottles and cups to the floor before they fell asleep too, Gahyeon’s head buried in Handong’s shoulder, and Handong’s hand loosely around her shoulders.

Sua’s stature looked even smaller when she was carrying Jiu on her back. “Don’t worry about us,” she’d said, her words slurred, “We’ve been together for seven years. Eight. I don’t know. But I know Jiu and I know how to take care of her and -”

“Thanks.” Siyeon had sent them off with kisses on their foreheads, which Sua received like a puppy - and Yoohyeon had placed a blanket around Jiu’s shoulders, fixed her hair, and put wet wipes in Sua’s pocket.

And that left Yoohyeon and Siyeon, the only ones definitively awake, or at least coherent enough to look at each other and chuckle in wonder at their members, their friends.

“Tonight - has been fun. Really.” Siyeon said.

“Of course. It always is.”

“I’m going to clean up the bathroom.” Siyeon stepped over a wet patch on the rug. “Why don’t you dry uh… yourself…”

“Oh, right.” Yoohyeon looked down at the wet patch on her shirt. 

“The balcony’s windy.”

“I’ll leave it up to you then,” Yoohyeon tilted her head. “Thanks, unnie.”

Siyeon smiled, and disappeared from her view into the bathroom. 

Yoohyeon tiptoed to the balcony. Immediately her hair was blown back and her nose filled with the saltiness of the sea. Her eyes watered a little as she looked below at the streetlights and then the moon, which hung like a lantern over the hotel. Waves swished from far off but Yoohyeon heard them, over Gahyeon’s quiet snoring - or was it just the sound of the tap from the bathroom?

She stood there and let the wind dry her front. Tranquilised, she closed her eyes and her arms hang loose and her thoughts run free. Not wild, but free - free to take her wherever they wanted. And for how long she stayed like that she didn’t know, but when Siyeon joined her on the balcony, Yoohyeon only heard her when she slid the door shut.

“Hey, what’s up? You okay?”

“Yeah,” Yoohyeon smiled at Siyeon. “Just thinking.”

“About..?”

“Everything, you know? Like, how we nearly got our first win, how we’re progressing, how happy I feel about it… and also, just…”

Yoohyeon faltered - she’d never been the eloquent one, especially not with her thoughts and feelings. It was hard to put into words on the spot, but: “It really feels like we’re making it out there, somehow.”

“Yeah, I get you.” 

“And… I’m glad to be here, with you, and everyone else. It feels right - I know that’s cheesy, but it really feels like I belong. Here.”

“Aw, I love you too.” Siyeon stepped next to Yoohyeon and pulled her arm around her waist. They’d done this a thousand times before, with Siyeon’s head resting on Yoohyeon’s shoulder, with her fingers drawing lazy patterns up and down Siyeon’s ribs, with Yoohyeon always wondering if Siyeon could hear her heart beating a mile a second. Maybe. Probably. Siyeon was so comfortable, and in the darkness and the sea breeze, and the quietness of it all - it felt heavenly.

“No, you.” Yoohyeon rubbed her cheek against the top of Siyeon’s head.

“Thanks, I’ll take it.”

“But, really thank you for listening. I always seem to talk a lot when we hang out like this, and I feel bad…”

Siyeon squeezed her hand. “I don’t mind listening to you.”

“Thanks.”

“You don’t need to say it again - at all, even.”

“Jeez, how are you so sweet?” Yoohyeon squeezed her hand back, and nuzzled closer. 

Siyeon relaxed into Yoohyeon’s side. “Just being a good friend. You’re supposed to take care of the people you love, right? I like doing that.”

“And you’re so good at doing that.”

“No, you.”

They chuckled. Yoohyeon liked this. Yoohyeon liked the silence, the quietness of their breathing and the swishing of the sea, in the far, far distance. And Yoohyeon liked the chitchat, the random things they talked about; they didn’t manage to talk about everything but she liked that they damn well tried, laughing and giggling and never moving from their half-hug, standing there on the balcony.

The banister was cool to the touch but it was warm next to Siyeon; they flipped through all the events of the past year, the “Do you remember”s, and it was therapeutic. They took a step back from their hectic schedules, found a moment when they didn’t have to worry about what came next. Though soon enough, their thoughts turned to the future. Doubts, fears, dreams; but god, their dreams were beautiful, more so with the uncertainty that naturally accompanied them.

“I want to go to Paris again,” Siyeon said. “But as a tourist. Just walking around, eating croissants, sightseeing - normal stuff.”

“Yeah, me too.” Yoohyeon sighed.

“It’s such a romantic city, right?”

Yoohyeon agreed: “I remember walking through the streets and just looking at the buildings, and how small they were? And how old some of the architecture was.”

“And the streets were really narrow -”

“And how we nearly got run over while filming the special clip!”

Siyeon clapped her hands. “That was like, the most I’ve ever laughed - Sua screamed so loudly, do you remember?”

“You mean how she always does?” 

They both laughed.

“But yeah, I remember.” Yoohyeon pinched the skin on Siyeon’s arm as they talked. “It was the first thing we told the other members when we met back up, right?”

“Mmh, yeah - and especially with Sua, we must have been so loud.”

“Everyone had stories to tell, even for the hour we spent just walking through the streets.”

Siyeon’s eyes were clear in the moonlight, and Yoohyeon could see nostalgia in them. “I’m really looking forward to our concert - but I just wish we had more time, to do something like that again.”

“We’ll have a day like that, hopefully. I want to take Handong to eat crepes - I want everyone there.”

“Just like tonight.”

“Yeah,” Yoohyeon smiled. “Exactly.”

They looked at each other, then simultaneously out towards sea again. Yoohyeon’s heart was beating hard. Silence fell again as they absorbed the sea breeze, sponging up the humidity in the air. And Yoohyeon felt more awake than she ever had before.

“Oh, do you remember -“ Siyeon started laughing against Yoohyeon’s neck. “Do you remember what Gahyeon said happened?”

“Kind of? Apparently there was a pretty girl and -”

“Yeah, yeah!” God, her giggles were going to be the death of Yoohyeon. She couldn’t help but grin along with Siyeon.

“Was it that funny?”

“Maybe not now, if I tell the story, but we were all dying - I guarantee you.”

So they delved into the tale of how a girl sporting rainbow converses had approached Gahyeon in the park they were filming at, taking her completely by surprise and making her face the colour of a tomato. She wasn’t a fan - but she evidently had been an admirer.

She’d taken Gahyeon’s hand in hers (while the rest of the group peeked from around various corners and statues) and smiled at Gahyeon’s stammers; she’d chuckled at Gahyeon’s apology, told her _il n’y a pas de quoi_ \- Yoohyeon told Gahyeon it meant no worries afterward - and left. Just when Gahyeon had been about to relax, though, the girl had kissed the back of her hand, ever so gently. And when the group finally congregated around Gahyeon again she was still blushing.

“That girl was so cool,” Yoohyeon sighed. “Are all Europeans like that?”

“Maybe - maybe we’ll find out this time.”

“Poor Gahyeon though; now I remember how red she looked, and how shy she got for the days after.”

“She’s literally the baby gay,” said Siyeon, fondly. “She’ll get braver, I’m sure of it.”

“I think that girl would’ve made a good match for her, though.” Yoohyeon laughed.

“Yeah, if only…”

“Do you think we could ever be publicly dating a girl?” 

“Well, the dating pool is so small…” 

“I’m sure someone is gonna fall in love with you someday,” she said to Siyeon, knowing full well that it’d happened already.

Stretching, Siyeon yelled to the night sky, “I hope that day comes sooner!”

Her chest tightened, and Yoohyeon suddenly couldn’t breathe. 

Every thud of her heart got louder in her ears as she thought about just saying it, right there, telling Siyeon that she didn’t need to wait and that Yoohyeon was right here and had been here for so, so long… but, she couldn’t do it. Her mouth opened and she drew in a shaky breath, and -

The moment felt eternal to her, the split second that she fumbled with the words inside her brain, and in that beat which her heart skipped Siyeon had already turned away. Yoohyeon swallowed and bit her lip - and then Siyeon turned back to her, and her throat went dry.

Yoohyeon wanted to kiss her.

In the amber light spilling out from their room, in the starlight, under the round moon, Siyeon was dazzling. She was radiant and Yoohyeon couldn’t look away. Her hair clung to her shoulders and her eyes, those goddamn eyes; it felt like looking into a spotlight, like when she was onstage, but this time her heart was pounding ten times as loud. It scared her how she could mezmerize her like that. And then - and then - Siyeon smiled, and Yoohyeon’s eyes fell to her lips, and without knowing how or why (fuck it, she knows why), Yoohyeon put her forehead against Siyeon’s, stilling her breath. 

_Your face is too close_, Yoohyeon kept waiting for her to say. But she didn’t. Yoohyeon held herself suspended against Siyeon, heartstrings taut; Siyeon stared up into her eyes without turning away but there was this cloudiness in her eyes - it ended the moment, suddenly, like a snow globe being put down. All the glitter and hope within Yoohyeon settled.

Siyeon smiled, faintly. “Look, the moon.” 

The world lurched but Yoohyeon glued her eyes to the moon, larger than usual. She wanted the light to burn into her retina, to sting her eyes, so that she could blame the moon for the tears that inevitably came into her eyes. 

Oh god, she was afraid. Yoohyeon was afraid of losing this - losing Siyeon, her friendship, her laugh. She dug her fingers into the banister, willing the thoughts that flooded her mind to disappear. She couldn’t do it, not now. And it seemed like Siyeon didn’t want it, not now. Yoohyeon hoped to whatever deity out there for there to be a not now. Because she was willing to wait, because she was so prepared to spend her whole life hung in this limbo, not knowing but not needing to know - as long as she could stare into Siyeon’s eyes more, hug her more, it was enough.

She leaned back and exhaled, hanging with her arms around the banister and her chin turned up. She was no longer teetering on the edge of the cliff but, how willing she was to throw herself off scared her, because gravity is a hard thing to fight, and Siyeon might as well be her sun.

And on the next day, Yoohyeon sat in front of her at breakfast and the sun shone oh so bright; she sighed to herself and wondered if it would hurt more to look into Siyeon’s eyes. Last night - this morning - they’d tidied away the mess of bottles and containers as if nothing had happened. And to Siyeon, nothing did happen. Yoohyeon had smiled and laughed at her little jokes, her clumsy antics, hopping over the cushions and clothes strewn everywhere. The same old routine. The same old dance, that Yoohyeon was never going to get tired of.

That morning, waking up with eyebags and aches and creaky bones, the group had set off back home. On the plane, 7am, Yoohyeon hoped that Siyeon’s silence came from sleepiness. And soon Yoohyeon herself fell asleep; she'd woken up with the heaviness of unremembered dreams to Siyeon’s poke and a tight smile, and Yoohyeon knew then that the holiday had ended. 

\-------------------

You see, maybe one day Yoohyeon will be able to get over it. Maybe one day, Yoohyeon will be able to let go. But staying smitten with Siyeon is easier than anything she’d ever done and Yoohyeon is captivated by the feelings; she can’t forget them yet. Siyeon mesmerizes her and Yoohyeon has never been so willing to lose control. The universe set her up with the prettiest and most unattainable girl ever, Yoohyeon’s mad but she’s glad, because Siyeon is worth every pang in her heart, and Yoohyeon wants to give her everything.

People say Siyeon’s intimidating; onstage, she possesses an aura like cold fire and her stare feels like sharp ice and Yoohyeon gets goosebumps - but Siyeon smiles so easily and her face is all too open, and Yoohyeon can see every shift of her thoughts, blooming like flowers. Siyeon makes people laugh with her expressions, her mannerisms. Her nose scrunches up whenever she grins. She uses her hands to gesture and to reflect what she sees in her mind. Her arms are always moving, she gently elbows people to get their attention, she brushes her forearms against people when they walk side by side.

Yoohyeon notices these little things, and every time, it makes her fall a little more. The smallest, stupidest things render Yoohyeon helpless, breathless with the pounding of her heart and all the blood rushing to her cheeks. She never feels more like a puppy than when she’s with Siyeon. She wants to follow Siyeon wherever she goes, and Yoohyeon smiles whenever Siyeon laughs, and every time, in a crowd, she finds herself looking for Siyeon, involuntarily; Yoohyeon notices (and perks up) when Siyeon enters the same room and she can never seem to get the stars out of her eyes.

It’s easy to see now.

Yoohyeon loves her. 

She passed the stage of falling in love, a long time ago.

Falling for Siyeon was unexpected but strangely, Yoohyeon wasn’t shocked. It was inevitable. Who could look into Siyeon’s eyes and not see sunlight? Who could resist returning Siyeon’s smile? Who could say no to her, climbing into your bed at night, asking to cuddle, hugging you from behind and surrounding you with the scent of water jasmine and the whispers of her breath, so soft against your neck…

It’s fatal, but Yoohyeon keeps loving Siyeon like there’s no tomorrow, like there’s not a time when this will end. And right now, it feels like there’s no end in sight to her precious suffering, the painful warmth in her chest. It’s worth it. She couldn’t have chosen to fall in love with Siyeon, but now that it’s happened - god, Siyeon is so, so lovable, and Yoohyeon wonders why she didn’t see that earlier. 

She thinks to herself, I’m lucky that I fell in love so young, because when she’s old, and when she’s settled down with a job that’s not Dreamcatcher (though she can’t imagine that yet), she’ll have the privilege of remembering this, these moments - she’ll remember how it felt to be in love with Siyeon, like her feelings would never burn out, and they could keep spiralling together, a binary star system, forever.

After that trip, life continued; Yoohyeon continued being enamoured with Siyeon’s laugh, Yoohyeon continued dreaming, dreaming of Siyeon, her eyes, her lips. Yoohyeon continued letting her heart pound. Yoohyeon continued falling helplessly apart. It’s all she knows how to feel around Siyeon - and, it’s not anything too bad. 

It’s easy.

Like breathing.


End file.
